PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

FOUR THREATS TO RELATIONSHIPS

I. Difficult adjustments in relationships threaten togetherness.

A. There is little in our culture today that encourages togetherness. Comparison of:

1. Background
2. Economy
3. Society
4. Education
5. Other partners

1. Values
2. Vocational
3. Religious
4. Financial

1. Feelings
2. Sexual attraction/confrontation
3. Cultural pressures
4. Escape

1. Roles
2. Expression of feeling
   • What communicates love by one
   • may not communicate love to the other
3. Capabilities
4. Contributions

II. People enter relationships equipped only with the world's plan find that their togetherness is threatened.

A. The world's plan is a 50/50 performance relationship:

1. Acceptance based on performance
2. Giving based on merit
3. Motivation for action based on feelings

B. The world's plan is destined to fail:

1. Unreal expectations
2. Impossibility of knowing that your partner had met you halfway
3. Tendency to focus on weaknesses
4. Disappointment in your partner paralyzes your feelings

III. The failure to anticipate selfishness or ego in relationships threatens togetherness.

A. When we enter a relationship with stars in our eyes we cannot see reality

B. Selfishness will rob a relationship of its creativity by:

1. Emphasizing partner's weaknesses
2. Stressing disapproval/rejection
3. Seeking to justify rejection

IV. A failure to work through inevitable difficulties and trials threatens togetherness.

A. There are two failures in our response to tribulations:

1. Anticipate them
2. Respond properly

C. Difficulties do not mean something is wrong with your relationship

D. Your response to difficulties will either drive you apart or bind you together.

The keyword in reference to all these threats is isolation

RESOLVING CONFLICT

INTRODUCTION:

A. Conflict is common to all relationshipss

B. Conflict can become a process that develops togetherness or a process that develops isolation -- there is a choice

C. Conflict can be used as a process that leads to positive results

1. Conflict can be used to promote understanding
2. The result of conflict should be better understanding rather than victory

I. Resolution of conflict requires a commitment to listen

• We spend 80% of our waking hours in communication:
  • 9% writing
  • 16% reading
  • 30% talking
  • 45% listening
  • You can listen as five times the rate that you can talk
    
  • Communication is not what is said but what is heard
    
  • God gave us two ears but only one mouth

A. Poor listening stifles conflict

1. Pseudo listening fakes interest
2. Selective listening tunes in only for points of interest
3. Protective listening doesn't hear any threatening messages
4. Surface listening catches only the shallow portions of a message

1. Listen with the attitude that your partner's comments are top priority; give focused attention
2. Listen with the attitude of acceptance and willingness to understand
3. Listen with an attitude of wanting clarification; ask questions and paraphrase in order to at the meaning of the message
4. List with an attitude that God is sovereign and you can benefit from what you partner is communicating
5. Listen with an attitude that you partner is not your enemy

1. Focus on the message content rather than the method of delivery
2. Focus on the meaning that than the words they use
3. Focus on clarification of valid points rather than defense of incorrect accusation
4. Focus on questions rather than indictments
5. Focus on understanding rather judgment

II Resolution of conflict requires thoughtful confrontation

A. Thoughtful confrontation means speaking the truth

B. Approach confrontation carefully

1. Check your motivation -- will it help or hurt?
2. Check your attitude
3. Check the circumstances: timing, location, and setting
4. Check to see what other pressures may be present; be sensitive
5. Check to see if you are willing to accept confrontation as well as give it. (Watch for the boomerang effect)

C. Proper sharing habits enhance communication

1. Focus on one issue rather than many issues
2. Focus on the problem rather than the person
3. Focus on behavior rather than character
4. Focus on specifics rather than generalizations
5. Focus on expression of feeling rather than judgment of character
6. Focus on "I" statements rather than "you" statements
7. Focus on observation of facts rather than judgment of opinions
8. Focus on mutual understanding rather than who is winning or losing.

(* The longer you carry a grudge, the heavier it gets)

III. Resolution of conflict requires a willingness to forgive

A. Seek forgiveness when you are (were)wrong

1. Communicate understanding of your partner's hurt
2. Ask your partner to forgive you
3. It is important to be specific

1. Forgiveness is an act of the will that puts away resentment or punishment
2. Forgiveness is costly
3. Forgiveness should be expressed verbally and specifically
4. Forgiveness is not conditional
5. Forgiveness is not impossible. "I can't forgive you" really means "I won't forgive you"

IV. Resolution of conflict requires a willingness to come to a point of action

A. Agree on an action point for resolution

B. Agree to disagree agreeably

C. Agree to reschedule the conflict

D. Remember: Agreeing to act on a solution defuses conflict and builds togetherness

CONCLUSION:

A. Conflict-resolution can be a healthy process that leads to acceptance

B. Unresolved conflict leads to isolation

C. Will you handle conflict constructively, rather than destructively?

Last updated 95/11/13